Well… these last two weeks have been one of many ups and downs… It’s hard to say how I feel about all of it just yet but I am blogging about it to get something down for me to reflect upon later.
So my trip to San Jose was one of serious self reflection. I found myself discovering a lot of things that I forgot about myself. First of all, I am truly a man of indecisiveness. All of the time I was down there I could not decide on what to do. Personally, I just wanted to spend time with my best bud Tim and that was all that mattered. But when it came time to go somewhere or do something, I could not decide on anything. The only thing I wanted to do was see the Ocean and take a tour of Silicon Valley (which were both great). While I am on the topic of the ocean, I have one thing to say about that. The ocean and all of it’s vastness had a lasting effect on me… I really didn’t realize the expierience I had until it was over. I was definately humbled by this expierence though and realized even more how much God is more powerful than man… He created the ocean. No man made thing is more powerful or more beautiful than the ocean.
Now is the time in the post for all of those who don’t want to know me too much where you stop reading and go on with your day. Over the trip and the last two weeks I have been realizing and reflecting on the loss that I have. I feel that no one outside my friend Tim and my other good friend in Florida, Marc, know me personally. God knows everything about me, but no other human being outside of Tim and Marc truly know me as a person. I can’t have a real conversation with anyone because I feel like everyone I ever knew, in college or at my church, has drifted away from me and could care less. I don’t want to believe this, and I know it’s probably not true, but not even my roomate or my family understand me fully anymore. I feel lost at times and what has really shown me this is the way I have reacted to recent events, which brings me to my next point.
Recently, my family and I have expierenced loss of a dear cousin who was shot and killed. This, tramatic as it is has been a humbling expierence for me. I have reflected on this event and almost instantly was given peace over this loss. I don’t know why this is the case, but much of me thinks that God wants to use me to help my family get through this the best way possible. Anyways, this event was not as emotional as others in recent weeks and that has caused me to question why. Why am I able to deal with a loss of a cousin better than other, maybe less important circumstances? I know God wants me to teach me something, but I am having the hardest time coming up with what.
Lastly, I have lost something in my life. I have lost the sense of community. I pray that God can help me with this problem and I feel like there is no easy answer. I feel defeated before I start. I feel like that this is the one thing I worked so hard to get and now it’s gone. God has made it evident that he is in control of this in my life and I am realizing more and more that I need Him first in my life when it comes to community. I believe that I am over anaylitical on where my life is going at times and I need to rely on Him to get me through it all. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. “12 I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” –Phillippians 4:12-13